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What is the difference between supporting a partner with addiction and enabling destructive behavior? Learn practical strategies, recognize the overlap with narcissistic behaviors, and discover how to begin your own healing.

Relationships affected by addiction are often confusing, emotionally exhausting, and filled with uncertainty. Many partners spend years trying to help the person they love, only to discover they have slowly lost themselves in the process.

In a recent episode of Surviving Toxic Relationships, we sat down with Dr. Sarah Michaud, a clinical psychologist with more than 30 years of experience specializing in addiction and codependency. Drawing from both her professional expertise and her own recovery journey, she shared practical wisdom for anyone trying to navigate the difficult realities of loving someone with an addiction.

One of the most important messages from our conversation was this: while you cannot control another person’s recovery, you can begin your own.

Why Addiction Makes You Question Your Reality

One of the first things Dr. Michaud shared was how common it is for partners of addicts to say, “I feel like I’m going crazy.”

Living with someone who continually denies obvious behaviors, minimizes their substance use, breaks promises, or shifts blame can leave you questioning your own judgment. Over time, many people begin trusting the addicted person’s version of reality more than their own observations.

If that sounds familiar, you are not alone.

The confusion you feel is often the result of living in an environment where truth has become difficult to recognize.

Supporting Versus Enabling

One of the most difficult questions family members ask is:

“Am I helping, or am I actually making things worse?”

Dr. Michaud explained that many partners become so focused on saving the addicted person that they unintentionally neglect their own emotional, physical, and spiritual health.

Examples of enabling may include:

• Covering up the consequences of the addiction.
• Making excuses for destructive behavior.
• Constantly rescuing the person from the results of their choices.
• Believing that if you just find the right treatment, therapist, or words, everything will change.

While these actions are often motivated by love, they rarely lead to lasting recovery.

Instead, healthy support begins with allowing the other person to take responsibility for their own choices while you begin caring for yourself.

Codependency: When You Lose Yourself

Many partners eventually realize they have become consumed by another person’s struggles.

Their own needs become secondary.

Their identity becomes wrapped up in fixing someone else.

Their happiness depends on whether the addicted person is having a good day.

This pattern is commonly known as codependency.

Dr. Michaud described recovery from codependency as learning to “come home” to yourself. Healing begins when you redirect your energy toward your own growth instead of trying to manage someone else’s life.

The Overlap Between Addiction and Narcissism

One reason these relationships can feel so confusing is that addiction and narcissistic behaviors often share similar characteristics.

Although addiction and narcissistic personality disorder are not the same, both can involve:

• Manipulation
• Denial
• Blame shifting
• Gaslighting
• Broken promises
• Lack of accountability
• Making loved ones question their own reality

This overlap often leaves partners wondering whether they are dealing with addiction, narcissism, or both.

Regardless of the label, the impact on the partner is often remarkably similar. Many people experience chronic anxiety, emotional exhaustion, loss of confidence, and confusion about what is actually true.

Learning to Trust Yourself Again

One of Dr. Michaud’s most encouraging reminders was simple:

“Trust yourself. If you feel that something is off, it usually is.”

People living with addiction or emotional manipulation often learn to ignore their own instincts because they have spent years being told they were wrong.

Healing includes learning to reconnect with your own observations, emotions, and intuition.

Your thoughts matter.

Your feelings matter.

Your experiences matter.

Practical Steps Toward Healing

Whether your loved one chooses recovery or not, you can begin taking healthy steps today.

Consider:

• Setting clear and healthy boundaries.
• Prioritizing your own physical, emotional, and spiritual health.
• Seeking support through counseling or support groups such as Al-Anon.
• Building relationships with people who encourage honesty and accountability.
• Practicing regular self-care through prayer, rest, exercise, and healthy friendships.
• Learning more about codependency and emotional abuse.

You do not have to wait for someone else to change before you begin healing.

Final Thoughts

One of the greatest misconceptions about loving someone with an addiction is believing that your job is to save them.

It isn’t.

You can love someone deeply while also recognizing that their recovery is ultimately their responsibility.

Your responsibility is to care for your own well-being, seek wisdom, establish healthy boundaries, and pursue the healing God desires for your life.

If you’re navigating a relationship affected by addiction, emotional abuse, or codependency, know this:

You are not alone.

You are not crazy.

You are deeply loved.

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Frequently Asked Questions

What is the difference between supporting and enabling someone with addiction?

Supporting someone encourages personal responsibility and professional treatment while maintaining healthy boundaries. Enabling removes consequences, protects the person from the results of their choices, or unintentionally allows the addiction to continue.

Can addiction and narcissism look similar?

Yes. Although they are different conditions, both can involve manipulation, denial, blame shifting, and behaviors that leave loved ones questioning their own reality.

What is codependency?

Codependency is a pattern in which someone becomes overly focused on meeting another person’s needs while neglecting their own physical, emotional, or spiritual well-being.

How do I know if I’m losing myself in the relationship?

Common signs include constantly trying to fix your partner, neglecting your own needs, feeling responsible for another person’s choices, and basing your emotional well-being on their behavior.

Where can I find support?

Consider speaking with a licensed therapist, attending an Al-Anon meeting, connecting with trusted friends, finding a healthy church community, and seeking resources that encourage healthy boundaries and emotional healing.

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Listen to the Full Conversation

If this topic resonated with you, we invite you to listen to our full conversation with Dr. Sarah Michaud, where we discuss addiction, codependency, narcissism, boundaries, and the path toward healing.

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A Note from Lizzie & Deana

Whether you’re living with someone struggling with addiction, recovering from a toxic relationship, or simply trying to make sense of confusing behaviors, we want you to know there is hope. Healing doesn’t begin when another person changes. Healing begins the moment you decide to take your first step toward wholeness.

At Surviving Toxic Relationships, our prayer is that every conversation, blog, and resource reminds you that God sees you, walks with you, and has a future filled with hope.

You are not alone. You are not crazy. You are deeply loved.

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” — Psalm 147:3

Leaving a toxic relationship is often portrayed as the end of the struggle, but for many people it is actually the beginning of a new journey. While there may be relief in stepping away from an unhealthy situation, there can also be grief, confusion, loneliness, and a lingering sense of loss. Even when a relationship was damaging, it is still possible to mourn what was invested in it, the dreams that were attached to it, and the future that once seemed possible. Many people are surprised by the intensity of these emotions because they assume that making the right decision should immediately bring peace. Instead, they discover that healing takes time and that recovery is rarely as straightforward as they expected.

For Christians, this process can be especially confusing because faith does not eliminate pain. We may know that God is with us, yet still struggle with sadness, disappointment, or unanswered questions. We may wonder why we continue to hurt after making the difficult choice to leave, or why certain memories still have the power to affect us. The good news is that Scripture never suggests that healing happens overnight. Throughout the Bible, we see God meeting people in seasons of grief, betrayal, loss, and uncertainty, patiently walking with them as He restores what has been broken.

Grieving the Relationship You Hoped It Would Be

One of the most difficult aspects of healing is recognizing that you are often grieving more than the relationship itself. Many survivors find themselves mourning the future they envisioned, the promises that were made, and the person they hoped their partner would become. They may understand intellectually that the relationship was unhealthy, yet still feel profound sadness over what was lost. This can create confusion because people sometimes believe that leaving a toxic relationship should eliminate grief rather than reveal it.

The Bible gives us countless examples of people expressing sorrow honestly before God. The Psalms are filled with prayers that acknowledge heartbreak, disappointment, and longing. Rather than asking us to suppress our emotions, Scripture encourages us to bring them into God’s presence. Healing begins when we allow ourselves to acknowledge the loss honestly and trust that God can meet us there.

Trusting God When Trust Has Been Broken

After experiencing deception, betrayal, or manipulation, many people struggle with trust. While they may believe that God is faithful, they often find it difficult to trust their own judgment or feel safe in relationships again. The experience of being misled can leave lasting questions about whether they missed warning signs or ignored their intuition.

One of the greatest comforts of the Christian faith is that God’s character remains consistent regardless of the failures of people. Human beings may disappoint us, break promises, or abuse our trust, but God’s faithfulness is not dependent on human behavior. Proverbs 3:5-6 encourages believers to trust in the Lord with all their hearts and lean not on their own understanding. This does not mean ignoring wisdom or dismissing discernment. Rather, it means learning to anchor our confidence in God’s truth instead of allowing fear, shame, or past experiences to determine our future.

Forgiveness and Reconciliation Are Not the Same Thing

One of the most misunderstood concepts among Christians is the relationship between forgiveness and reconciliation. Many people have been taught that forgiving someone means restoring the relationship, reopening the door, or acting as though nothing happened. As a result, survivors of toxic relationships often feel pressure to reconcile before trust has been rebuilt or genuine change has occurred.

Scripture presents a more balanced picture. Forgiveness is a decision to release bitterness and surrender justice to God rather than carrying resentment indefinitely. Reconciliation, however, requires repentance, accountability, and a willingness from both parties to rebuild trust. Romans 12:18 reminds us, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” The phrase “if it is possible” acknowledges an important reality: not every relationship can be restored, and not every relationship should be restored. It is possible to forgive someone while also maintaining healthy boundaries that protect your emotional, physical, and spiritual well-being.

Why Healthy Boundaries Matter

Many survivors struggle with boundaries because they fear being perceived as selfish, unforgiving, or unloving. Yet healthy boundaries are not punishments; they are acts of stewardship. Boundaries help us protect the life, health, and responsibilities God has entrusted to us while allowing us to interact with others in ways that are wise and sustainable.

Even Jesus demonstrated healthy boundaries throughout His ministry. Although He loved people deeply, He did not allow everyone unlimited access to His time, attention, or mission. There were moments when He withdrew from crowds, spent time alone in prayer, and declined to engage with those who were acting in bad faith. His example reminds us that love and boundaries are not opposites. In many cases, healthy boundaries are an expression of wisdom and love.

Finding Your Identity in Christ

Toxic relationships often leave people questioning their worth and identity. After hearing criticism, blame, manipulation, or controlling messages for an extended period of time, many begin to see themselves through the lens of those experiences. They may believe they are difficult, inadequate, unworthy, or impossible to love.

The message of Scripture is radically different. Our identity is not determined by another person’s opinion, treatment, or behavior toward us. Our identity is found in Christ. The Bible describes believers as chosen, redeemed, loved, forgiven, and created with purpose. Part of the healing process involves replacing the false narratives we have accepted with the truth of what God says about us. As we begin to see ourselves through His eyes, we gradually regain the confidence and security that toxic relationships often erode.

Rebuilding Hope for the Future

One of the greatest losses after a toxic relationship is the loss of hope. When trust has been broken and dreams have been shattered, it can be difficult to imagine a future that feels safe, meaningful, or joyful. Some people lose hope in relationships, while others lose hope in themselves. Still others begin questioning whether God can bring anything good from what they have endured.

Throughout Scripture, however, we repeatedly see God bringing redemption out of painful circumstances. Joseph’s betrayal led to a position where he could save others. Ruth’s loss became part of a story of restoration and purpose. Peter’s failure was transformed into a testimony of grace and leadership. These stories remind us that God specializes in redeeming what appears broken beyond repair. While healing does not erase the past, it does allow us to move forward with the confidence that our story is still being written.

A Note from Deana & Lizzie

As women who have walked through our own journeys of heartbreak, betrayal, confusion, and healing, we understand how overwhelming the process can feel. There were seasons when we questioned ourselves, wondered what the future would hold, and struggled to see how anything good could emerge from the pain. Looking back now, we can see that God was working in ways we could not recognize at the time. He was strengthening our faith, teaching us discernment, and preparing us to encourage other women who would one day face similar challenges.

If you are in the middle of your own healing journey, we want you to know that your progress does not need to be perfect in order to be real. Some days will feel hopeful, while others may feel difficult. Neither defines your future. God is patient, faithful, and fully capable of bringing beauty from places that once felt hopeless.

Final Thoughts

Healing after a toxic relationship is not about pretending the past never happened or trying to return to the person you were before the pain. Rather, it is about allowing God to meet you in the middle of your wounds and transform them into something meaningful. While healing takes time, each step forward provides an opportunity to grow in wisdom, strengthen your faith, and deepen your understanding of God’s faithfulness.

If you find yourself discouraged by the pace of your recovery, remember that healing is not measured by the absence of pain but by the presence of growth. God often does some of His deepest work in seasons we would never have chosen for ourselves. As you continue moving forward, trust that He is still writing your story and that your future is not defined by what happened to you.

Healing is not forgetting what happened. Healing is allowing God to transform what happened into wisdom, strength, and purpose.

You are not alone. You are not crazy. And you are deeply loved.

“For God is not a God of confusion but of peace.” — 1 Corinthians 14:33

One of the most common questions we hear from women is, “Why do I feel like I’m losing my mind?”

Not because they have a mental illness. Not because they are incapable of making good decisions. Not because they are weak. They ask this question because they are exhausted.

They replay conversations long after they end. They question things they know they heard. They wonder if they are being too sensitive, too emotional, or too demanding. They find themselves apologizing for things they didn’t do and carrying guilt they can’t quite explain. Some describe feeling as though they are walking through a fog, unable to trust their own thoughts, memories, or instincts.

Many women come to our podcast convinced that something is wrong with them. What they often discover is that the problem is not their sanity. The problem is the environment they have been living in.

What Is Gaslighting?

Gaslighting is a form of emotional manipulation that causes someone to question their own perceptions, memories, and judgment. The term comes from the 1944 film Gaslight, in which a husband manipulates his wife into doubting what she sees and experiences. Over time, she begins to believe she is the problem rather than recognizing the manipulation taking place around her.

Today, the term is used by mental health professionals to describe behaviors that undermine a person’s confidence in their own reality. Gaslighting often sounds deceptively simple. It may include statements such as, “That never happened,” “You’re remembering it wrong,” “You’re too sensitive,” or “You’re overreacting.”

Individually, these comments may seem insignificant. Repeated over months or years, however, they can profoundly affect a person’s confidence and emotional well-being. According to the American Psychological Association, emotional manipulation can contribute to anxiety, self-doubt, diminished self-esteem, and difficulty trusting one’s own perceptions.

The goal of gaslighting is not always to convince someone of a particular lie. Often, the goal is much more subtle: to create enough confusion that the other person stops trusting themselves.

Why Victims Begin to Question Themselves

Many people assume emotional manipulation only works on insecure or vulnerable individuals. In reality, some of the people most susceptible to gaslighting are thoughtful, compassionate, intelligent individuals who genuinely want healthy relationships.

When a person you love repeatedly challenges your perception of reality, your brain naturally tries to make sense of the contradiction. You know what you saw. You know what was said. Yet someone you trust insists your memory is wrong.

Most healthy people are willing to examine themselves and consider the possibility that they may have misunderstood something. That willingness to self-reflect is usually a strength. In a manipulative relationship, however, it can be exploited.

Over time, self-reflection becomes self-doubt. Self-doubt becomes confusion. Eventually, many people find themselves looking to the other person to determine what is true rather than trusting their own judgment.

Why Intelligent People Often Miss the Signs

One of the biggest myths about emotional manipulation is that smart people should see it coming.

We have spoken with teachers, nurses, counselors, business owners, ministry leaders, attorneys, and highly accomplished women who found themselves trapped in unhealthy relationships. Intelligence did not protect them because manipulation is not an intelligence problem. It is a trust problem.

Most healthy people assume others are operating with honesty and integrity. They don’t expect someone they love to intentionally distort reality or use confusion as a form of control. Because they are looking for logical explanations, they often overlook the possibility that they are being manipulated.

Many women stay longer than they should because they believe that if they communicate more clearly, try harder, love better, pray more, or understand the other person more deeply, things will improve. Unfortunately, manipulation rarely disappears because someone communicates better. It persists because one person is committed to avoiding accountability.

The Difference Between Confusion and Discernment

As Christian women, one of the questions we hear most often is, “How do I know if this is God warning me or if I’m simply overthinking things?” This is an important distinction.

Discernment may lead us to difficult conclusions, but it ultimately brings clarity. It helps us recognize truth, even when that truth is painful. Confusion, on the other hand, keeps us stuck in circles. We replay conversations, second-guess ourselves, and constantly wonder whether our feelings are valid.

God’s guidance may challenge us, but it does not leave us trapped in endless uncertainty. Throughout Scripture, God leads His people toward wisdom, understanding, and truth. While life can certainly be complicated, ongoing emotional chaos and chronic confusion are often signs that something unhealthy is taking place.

When you consistently leave conversations feeling more confused than when you entered them, it is worth paying attention.

Practical Steps to Regain Confidence

If you recognize yourself in these descriptions, know that confidence can be rebuilt.

One of the first steps is acknowledging what you are experiencing. Naming manipulation helps remove some of its power. When you begin to understand what is happening, you can stop assuming every problem is your fault.

Writing things down can also be incredibly helpful. Journaling conversations, events, and your reactions allows you to identify patterns and strengthens your ability to trust your own observations. Many women are surprised to discover that what felt like isolated incidents were actually part of a much larger pattern.

It is also important to reconnect with trusted people. Isolation fuels confusion. Wise counsel brings perspective. Talk with emotionally healthy friends, pastors, counselors, or mentors who will help you process what you are experiencing without dismissing your concerns.

Spend time in prayer and Scripture, asking God for wisdom and discernment. James 1:5 reminds us that if we lack wisdom, we can ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault. God is not threatened by your questions. He welcomes them.

Most importantly, pay attention to patterns rather than promises. Words can be persuasive. Character is revealed through consistent behavior over time.

A Note from Lizzie & Deana

If you’ve ever sat alone wondering whether you’re the problem, we want you to know that you’re not alone.

Both of us spent years questioning ourselves. We replayed conversations. We wondered whether we were overreacting. We tried harder, explained ourselves more clearly, and looked for ways to fix problems that were never ours to fix.

Looking back, one of the hardest parts was not recognizing how much confusion had become normal. When you live in an unhealthy environment long enough, you begin to think confusion is simply part of life. It isn’t.

Healing began when we stopped dismissing what we were experiencing and started paying attention to what was actually happening. It began when we trusted God’s truth more than someone else’s version of reality.

If this article resonates with you, we encourage you to keep seeking truth, wisdom, and healthy support. You do not have to navigate this journey alone.

Final Thoughts

If you constantly feel confused, exhausted, or like you’re losing trust in your own perceptions, the problem may not be your memory. It may be the environment you’re in.

Healthy relationships are not perfect, but they are built on honesty, accountability, respect, and trust. They do not require you to abandon your intuition, ignore your concerns, or question your reality in order to keep the peace.

Pay attention to patterns. Trust the wisdom God has given you. Seek counsel from people who value truth. And remember that confusion is not the same thing as discernment.

You are not alone. You are not crazy. And you are deeply loved.

Sources and Additional Resources

American Psychological Association (APA)
Resources on emotional manipulation, psychological abuse, and healthy relationships.

National Domestic Violence Hotline
Information on emotional abuse, coercive control, and relationship safety.

Focus on the Family
Resources on biblical discernment, healthy relationships, and emotional well-being.

James 1:5
“If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.”

1 Corinthians 14:33
“For God is not a God of confusion but of peace.”

“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” — Proverbs 4:23

Most women don’t walk into a relationship expecting to be deceived, manipulated, or hurt. We enter relationships hoping for love, partnership, trust, and a shared future. Unfortunately, unhealthy relationships rarely announce themselves in obvious ways. In fact, many toxic relationships begin with excitement, chemistry, and what appears to be deep connection.

Looking back, many women can see the warning signs. The problem is that when we’re in the middle of a relationship, red flags often look like love, concern, passion, or commitment. We explain away behaviors that make us uncomfortable because we want to believe the best in someone. We tell ourselves we’re overreacting, being too sensitive, or not giving the relationship enough time.

At Surviving Toxic Relationships, we’ve spoken with countless women who say the same thing: “I saw the signs. I just didn’t understand what I was looking at.”

Here are ten red flags that deserve your attention.

1. Isolation from Family and Friends

One of the earliest warning signs in many toxic relationships is isolation. Rarely does someone say, “I don’t want you spending time with your family.” Instead, it often happens gradually. They criticize your friends, question your family’s intentions, or make you feel guilty for spending time with anyone other than them.

Before long, you find yourself pulling away from the people who once offered support, wisdom, and perspective. Phone calls become less frequent. Invitations get declined. Relationships that once mattered begin to fade.

Healthy relationships encourage connection. A loving partner understands the value of family, friendships, church communities, and trusted mentors. When someone consistently tries to separate you from those relationships, pay attention. Isolation creates dependence, and dependence makes it easier for unhealthy behavior to continue unchecked.

2. Lack of Accountability

Nobody is perfect. We all make mistakes. What matters is how we respond when we do.

A healthy person can admit when they’re wrong, apologize sincerely, and take steps to make things right. Someone who lacks accountability, however, always seems to have an excuse. There is always a reason, a justification, or someone else to blame.

Over time, you may notice that every difficult conversation somehow circles back to being your fault. Instead of discussing their behavior, you find yourself defending your reactions. Instead of resolution, there is confusion.

Relationships cannot grow when only one person is willing to take responsibility. Accountability is not a sign of weakness. It’s one of the strongest indicators of emotional maturity.

3. Financial Control

Financial abuse is often overlooked because it doesn’t always leave visible scars. Sometimes it begins with one partner insisting on handling all the finances. Other times it looks like questioning every purchase, restricting access to money, or requiring explanations for routine expenses.

What may initially seem like responsibility or concern can slowly become control.

In more serious situations, financial control can involve limiting access to bank accounts, preventing a partner from working, hiding financial information, or creating complete financial dependence. According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, financial abuse is present in the majority of abusive relationships and is often one of the biggest reasons people struggle to leave.

Healthy couples work together. One person should never have all the power.

4. Excessive Jealousy

Many people mistake jealousy for love. In reality, they are very different things.

At first, jealousy may feel flattering. Someone wants to know where you are, who you’re with, and what you’re doing. They may say it’s because they care so much about you. Over time, however, that concern can become suspicion, monitoring, accusations, and control.

A healthy relationship is built on trust. If someone constantly questions your integrity, your motives, or your interactions with others, it creates an environment where you feel like you’re always defending yourself.

Love produces security. Control produces fear.

5. Double Standards

One of the most frustrating dynamics in a toxic relationship is realizing that different rules apply to different people.

You may be expected to explain every purchase while they spend freely. You may be expected to answer every text immediately while they disappear for hours. You may be held accountable for your mistakes while they avoid responsibility for theirs.

Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect and shared expectations. When one person consistently places themselves above the rules they expect others to follow, it reveals a deeper issue: entitlement.

6. Gaslighting

Gaslighting is one of the most confusing forms of emotional manipulation because it causes you to question your own reality.

You may hear things like, “That never happened,” “You’re imagining things,” or “You’re too sensitive.” Even when you know what you saw, heard, or experienced, the constant denial causes you to second-guess yourself.

Over time, many people begin trusting the other person’s version of reality more than their own. Confidence erodes. Confusion grows. Decision-making becomes difficult.

The American Psychological Association describes gaslighting as a form of psychological manipulation designed to make someone doubt their perceptions and judgment. If you constantly feel confused after conversations, don’t ignore that feeling.

7. Boundary Violations

Healthy relationships respect boundaries. Toxic relationships test them.

When you say no, does the person respect your answer? When you ask for space, do they honor it? When you express discomfort, do they listen?

People who struggle with boundaries often dismiss them as unnecessary, selfish, or hurtful. They may pressure you, guilt you, or repeatedly push limits you’ve clearly communicated.

Boundaries are not walls designed to keep people out. They are healthy guidelines that help relationships remain safe and respectful.

8. Love Bombing

Love bombing often feels wonderful in the beginning. The attention is constant. The compliments are endless. The relationship moves quickly.

You may hear statements like, “I’ve never felt this way before,” “We’re soulmates,” or “I know we’re meant to be together.”

While genuine connection can happen quickly, healthy relationships still require time. Trust is built through consistency, not intensity.

One thing we’ve learned through our own experiences is that emotional intensity is not always the same thing as emotional health. Sometimes the people who move the fastest are asking you to trust them before they’ve earned that trust.

9. Blame Shifting

In healthy relationships, people work together to solve problems. In toxic relationships, one person often becomes the problem.

Blame shifting occurs when someone refuses responsibility and redirects fault onto others. They lose their temper, and somehow it’s your fault for upsetting them. They break trust, and you’re blamed for questioning them. They make poor decisions, and you’re accused of being unsupportive.

Over time, this pattern can leave you carrying guilt that doesn’t belong to you.

When someone consistently avoids responsibility, meaningful change becomes nearly impossible.

10. Character That Doesn’t Match Their Words

Perhaps the most important red flag of all is inconsistency between words and actions.

Anyone can make promises. Anyone can say the right things. Character is revealed by what someone repeatedly does.

Do their actions align with their words? Can they be trusted when nobody is watching? Do they show integrity in the small things as well as the big things?

One lesson we’ve learned the hard way is that potential is not the same thing as character. Many women stay in unhealthy relationships because they fall in love with who someone could become rather than who they consistently show themselves to be.

Pay attention to patterns. Patterns reveal truth.

Final Thoughts

Not every red flag means a relationship is doomed. People can grow. People can change. Healthy relationships require grace because all of us are imperfect.

What matters is the pattern.

When warning signs become consistent behaviors, it’s important to pay attention. God gave us discernment for a reason. Ignoring what we know deep down often leads to deeper confusion, pain, and heartache.

If something feels wrong, don’t automatically dismiss that feeling. Pray about it. Seek wise counsel. Talk to trusted friends. Pay attention to what someone’s actions are telling you.

And remember: healthy love does not leave you constantly confused, afraid, controlled, or questioning your worth.

You are not alone. You are not crazy.

And you are deeply loved.

A Note from Deana and Lizzie

Many of these red flags are things we wish we had understood years earlier. Looking back, the warning signs were there, but we didn’t yet have the language, support, or understanding to recognize them.

Our hope is that by sharing what we’ve learned, other women will recognize unhealthy patterns sooner, trust their God-given discernment, and know they are not alone.

You are not crazy. You are not overreacting. And you are deeply loved.

Sources and Additional Resources

National Domestic Violence Hotline – Financial Abuse Resources

American Psychological Association – Emotional Abuse and Gaslighting Resources

Focus on the Family – Healthy Relationship Resources